Response Ability
Response Ability
The “Two” Paths:
There is a popular dichotomy in the current ethos of communication. On one side we have “Reacting” and on the other “Responding”. These are often spoken of as opposites, wherein the latter is to be sought and cultivated, and the former to be shunned and eliminated.
The word “React” means to act back towards a situation. To be reactive is to be volatile, uncontrolled, and thoughtless. To speak without forethought, often in hurtful or critical ways.
It is our impulsive and violent reactions that cause the greatest harm and are thus sought to be reduced. The word “Impulsive” means to strike against or push back. These energies are sure to bring forth many things other than connection, understanding, and intimacy.
It is the impulsive and violent reactions that tend to colour the definition of “Reaction” as a whole.
The word “Respond” means to pledge or give assurance back to a situation. It is seen as taking the enlightened and superior path, to be deliberate and attentive in one's speech. It is the mature and desired way of replying.
If to respond means to pledge or assure, then what exactly is being pledged or assured? Perhaps what is being pledged is that genuine care and listening are present, and that there is in fact a living intention to understand and resolve the issue at hand.
The above descriptions are of course humorous and exaggerated summations of a common mentality when it comes to how we communicate within our relationships. By exaggerating these two ends of the spectrum we can get clear on what it means to navigate the waters betwixt.
What exactly are these waters?
They are the seas of conversation, communication, and expression; more specifically - The Art of the Reply.
Just as Art varies in quality, so too will each expression of speech. The quality of one's capacity to reply, either reactively or thoughtfully, can be called one's “Response-ability”. How we reply will vary depending on the context, topics, and persons with whom we are speaking; and yet the importance of that quality remains. How we speak and reply has very real and tenable consequences on the wellbeing of others, and the world around us. As such, ameliorating the quality of our Response-Ability is our responsibility.
We can support our efforts to uphold this responsibility by examining what is commonly meant by being “reactive”. In order to do this, we must first recognize that all Responses are Reactions. By responding, we are acting back towards a situation. A Reaction, insofar as it is a concept, is characterless beyond being “a doing” directed back towards a given situation.
For example: Laughter is a reaction, so too is smiling, being startled, or shouting.
As noted earlier, the major differences that drive our repulsion towards “reactivity” in communication are the violent, impulsive, and volatile qualities that seem altogether lacking in a thoughtful response. All too often when communication becomes violent and volatile, it is due to the presence of pain.
This may be the pain of unmet needs, the pain of trauma resurfacing, or the pain of broken trust. Whatever the case may be, in the face of pain, it is undeniably human to push back against that which we believe to be its source.
Let us now examine more closely the nature of “Reactivity” insofar as it can be harmful.
React:
If we call to mind elements of the world that are typically described as reactive, what might we find?
Fearful Animals, Unstable Chemicals, Combustible or Explosive Compounds…
Each of the above can be said to contain some amount of potential energy that is ready to be released at a moment's notice. There is an instability, an unpredictability, and a rapidity to their nature that has them known to be reactive. It is much less about the quantity of energy they contain, and more so about the speed at which it is released.
It's from this rapidity, from the quickness that much of the harm comes. This is equally true in communication.
You see, thought takes time. We need the spaciousness of several moments and breaths to genuinely integrate new information in a manner akin to understanding. The less time there is, the less thinking and feeling can take place. Without adequate time to integrate the relevant information contained in our thoughts and feelings, the chances of us comprehending clearly our situation are greatly reduced.
A limited comprehension will necessarily lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The present moment that is so rich with truth and information can be altogether overlooked.
The present moment can get swapped for a believed reality that has been so rapidly conjured by the mind and memory. This rapid fire reality is then projected into the mind as true, occupying whatever space there might have been for deeper receptivity and learning.
When our interpretive processes are rushed, we are guaranteed to miss important information. Information like the intention of the person with whom we are speaking, the memory in our body that is generating the painful response to what has been said, or the actual voice of the other person.
The haste with which our minds and bodies react shrinks the space necessary to receive someone else’s truth fully, and clearly. In our reactivity, we move on impulse and instinct, we move to protect, defend, and stave off pain. Our breath quickens, our muscles tighten and our heart rate rises. We move as though our wellbeing is under attack, and oftentimes as though the person with whom we are speaking is the attacker.
What are our options then, if we find ourselves consistently reactive in conversations?
SLOW DOWN.
In the heat of the moment, take the time to breathe. Several deep breaths will bring the nervous system into greater regulation. Further, step back from the conversation at hand until your emotions have settled to a point where you are capable of expressing them.
Outside of conversations, take the time to reflect on the feelings that arise that cause your strongest reactions. When you are feeling calm, call to mind the latest moments of reactivity and ask yourself:
What was I feeling in that moment?
What did I believe was happening?
And what did I need most when I felt that way?
Doing this over time will equip you with the skills to recognize when you are likely to react, and how you might best support yourself in that space. The more you practice this, the greater your Response-Ability will become.
Response:
An alternative to the aforementioned impulsivity is intentionality. To be intentional in our replies is to imbue them with forethought, will, and purpose. This can mean choosing our words, phrasing, and tone more carefully, and actively articulating our experience in a way that takes accountability for our feelings and actions. Further still, if we have brought intentionality to our listening, we can purposefully reflect back what we have heard and understood about the other person's experience.
In order to do these things there must be a greater level of volition present, and such willful forethought can return much of the influential power of our words back under our control. By speaking intentionally, we have a greater chance of generating understanding, connection, and intimacy.
So, how might we go about ameliorating our ability to respond?
Here are two avenues of growth to explore when developing your Response-Ability.
Check your Assumptions: Humility is key.
Align Intention, Meaning, and Speech
First up, Checking our Assumptions:
It is truly astonishing just how many things are unknown but assumed by the human mind. This spills into conversations and communication wherein we assume:
What someone is going to say
What someone meant
Why they’re choosing to share what they’re sharing
That they understood exactly what we meant
That they know how their expression will affect us
These are just a few of the assumptions that permeate communication. What do each of these have in common? Well, we cannot KNOW about any of them without the exchange of direct information. If we hold assumptions like these, we are clogging up space within ourselves and within the conversation that could be filled by the authentic and truthful expression of the person with whom we are speaking.
If we allow ourselves to hold onto these assumptions, we are acting as though we believe we know more about the person than what has been shared. We set ourselves up as an authority, writing the story of who they are, how they feel, and what they think.
That's not very considerate is it?
This is where humility comes in. Humility says “I am ignorant, I do not know what is true for anyone except myself.” Humility creates the space for curiosity, for learning, and for intimacy. For it is only when we know that we do not know, that we are able to ask, explore, and discover.
Connection is made possible when communication is rich with curiosity, accountability, and the dance between sharing vulnerably and compassionate listening. You will nurture the soil of connection by clearing the garden of your mind of the weeds of assumption.
Next up Align Intention, Meaning, and Speech.
In any conversation there are several intentions that might be at play simultaneously:
The intention to be understood
The intention to understand
The intention to come across as one way or another
The intention to receive a piece of information
The intention to use the conversation to meet an unspoken goal.
The first and third intentions are those that most often shape our expression. However, the first and second should be primary and should be weighted equally (at least in my estimation). The quality of our speech and listening within any conversation ought to be informed by these intentions.
Whatever your intention may be, crafting your speech to reach that end is an expression of the alignment of Speech and Intention. If we are seeking to understand, curious listening is the best strategy, followed by genuine and non-judgemental inquiry.
If we are seeking to be understood, then a broad vocabulary will support us in actively articulating our thoughts and feelings in a way most likely to be understood.
Do note, you have no control of what someone understands. The best you can do is to make your speech as ripe with truth and meaning as possible. The rest is up to them.
I feel it important here to explore the ideas of Transparency and Forthrightness.
Whenever one hopes to share or receive information with another, or generate a desired experience, speaking those hopes and desires are of paramount importance.
To speak is to give material reality to thought, desire, and emotion. Once a thought has been made into speech it becomes accessible to the listener, and a bridge can be built between both beings such that efforts can be made to satisfy the active desires.
Put simply, if someone doesn't know what you want or need, then you’re far less likely to get it from them.
So speak up. Say what you mean using the words that clearly carry your intention. The quality of your responses will improve when you dedicate yourself to harmonizing and aligning your intentions with your spoken words.
Review:
All responses are reactions, some reactions are more volatile, violent, and harmful than others. Most often our volatile reactions are quick, habituated, or instinctual. They are nearly always triggered by pain or fear, and thus bypass our reasoning mind.
Slowing down within a conversation will reduce volatility and grant greater space to hear, share, and understand. So too, slowing down with oneself by taking the time to reflect on the sensations, sources, and beliefs that arise during our moments of volatility will be supportive to reducing their frequency.
We can improve our responses by keeping humble and aware of our ignorance. Staying humble and curious will free up greater space within our minds and within the conversation for authentic connection. Remember, we give our attention to what we value, so if you want someone to feel like you value what they have to say, pay attention: Listen, Ask questions, and receive them as they are.
Taking the time to ameliorate how we reply, respond, and react to others is how we take responsibility for our Response-Ability. This will most certainly bring the power of your speech back under your control, and bring forth greater understanding and connection within your relationships.
In closing, a poem.
Re: I act on
Reactivity can be ratified through relinquishing the race to remain right. We reach relief through breathing ease into the tight, flight or fight spaces. Our fear erases when we take a few paces back, stop, and view it all top down.
We liberate volatility by basking in our humility, recognizing we don’t yet know. This is how we grow, by sowing seeds of curiosity, and by taking accountability for our moments of instability.
“Please forgive me” brings us closer than “You made me…”
Honesty is Key - For them and for thee - for without it you could never see the WHY behind the crying eyes of “They hurt me”.
—
Oak M.